A Real Fairy Tale
by Vampiretwins
Summary: king ed, king of the fairies, has just made a bet with the wicked witch now he needs an hier and look who just walked in the castle roxanne now has to pretend to be that heir and go along with all that comes up. including leather clad ogres and self cente


Once upon a time, a time known as the present, there once lived a race known as fairies. From what most humans know fairies were a gay bunch. They were always singing and dancing and were generally a nice group of people. This was not so. Oh, they were nice and they did sing and dance, but they had their share of crazies. One such fairy was named Elvira.

Elvira was not happy. She never was a really happy fairy. Yes, she was born into money and fame but it got boring after a while. She needed more danger, more excitement. She found that danger and excitement in the form of a girl named Foxy. Yes, I said girl. You see, Elvira never liked boys much, they were too dominating. She had to be the top dog in a relationship.

But no one else understood her need to be dominating. Her parents sent her to psychiatrists and therapists. They did everything they could to get rid of her desire to bed women. But none of it worked. So, she and Foxy were shunned. They were kicked out of Harmony, the kingdom in which they both grew up. They moved to the edge of The Enchanted Forest and built a great castle, and that is where they remained.

The king of Harmony was in a state of disarray. His royal speech makers didn't have his speech ready for his meeting with Elvira and her entourage. He didn't know what they were coming to discuss with him but they had said it was important so they were on their way. Edward, or King Ed as his subjects liked to call him, didn't know what this was about but whatever it was it was important.

His throne got more and more uncomfortable as the time grew nearer for her to arrive. Finally the court jester appeared and whispered, "The Bitch is here."

The air around him grew dense. His breathing became labored as he watched the fairy come closer. He knew doom was upon him so he did the only logical thing.

"Oh, my…," said the queen quite evenly. "It looks as though he's fainted."

The wicked fairy became irate spouting off nonsense about curses and such. Having had enough, Elvira walked over and bitch slapped the king. His eyes popped open like a balloon pops when pricked with a needle.

"Holy-" started the king but was cut off by the ringing in the tower. After the bells stopped tolling, the court looked about them in bewilderment. _How could the king say that?_ The court wondered.

Finally when the court settled down the fairies decided to get down to business.

"Right, on to business, where is the treasure?" said Elvira pointing an accusing finger at the king.

"W-w-w-what t-t-treas-s-sure?" the king stuttered.

One of the fairies leather clad ogres tromped up and tapped her on the shoulder. They whispered for a little bit. It seemed that they were arguing.

"Ah, uh…wrong appointment. Let's see…" Elvira said pulling out her PDA. "A curse on Briar Rose this afternoon; still have to make the poison apple; ah ha, here it is you're the one that threw me out of my homeland. How could I forget that?"

The king gulped audibly.

"Uh…couldn't we work soothing out? You could come back every 3,000 year and spend the night? Ha, ha, ha?" the king was really scared. Wicked fairies had a lot of nasty power. And the powers of nastiness are just plain nasty!

"How about we make a deal? If in one year you can't produce an heir then I take your kingdom. If you do produce an heir then I get your kingdom!"

The king thought long and hard about it. He waited one month before answering her.

"Wait so no matter what you get my kingdom?"

"Damn, I gave him too long to think about it!" muttered Elvira. "Okay, new deal if you produce an heir then I will leave the enchanted forest and never give another wedgie for the rest of my life!"

"You got a deal!"

As their hands shook a blue light filled the room sealing the bargain.

"Well now Rumpilstilkin won't steal that baby by himself," Elvira said walking out the doors.

"Find me the royal mistress," the king said pleased with this turn of events; it was going to be a long night!


End file.
